IF "CATS - THE MUSICAL" WAS ABOUT REAL CATS
(Usenet adaptation of an original version by Stu and Andi Ackerman)
"CATS - The Musical" was the longest-running show on Broadway. The show romanticised the lives and habits of Britain and America's most popular pet. But even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "CATS" didn't capture the true-to-life behaviour of our feline companions. Below is a list of how "CATS" could more accurately portray the true essence of domestic felines.
Audience members enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
The antagonist in the show is be a giant vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.
Performers leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
The understudy is called because a leading character is having spay surgery.
The leading character refuses to perform until he had his tummy tickled by the director.
When certain audience members open their playbills, a cast member attempts to lay down on it.
When the curtains open, the cast chase after them and try to catch them.
In the middle of a performance various cast members curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
The irritating hum from the cast’s microphones is purring.
A cast member is found in the orchestra pit chasing a violinist’s bow or conductor’s baton.
Two cast members have a noisy spat over who get to sleep in the electric sunbeam; they then wander off in opposite directions, sit down and wash underneath their tails.
For no apparent reason, cast members randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They then continue the play as if nothing has happened.
A special audience member finds a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
Snack bar employees are constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
Part of the performance includes the cast climbing and shredding the theatre curtains.
The stage is stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
Performers find sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, it's an easy mistake for a cat to make isn't it?
The understudy leaves a wet patch on the aisle carpet ‘in protest’.
The show is has several intervals to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.
Most of the final act consists of the cast just staring at the audience.
The big finale features a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
Theatre patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances get their legs rubbed, if they are lucky.
Cast members never cash their salary cheques, they just play with them.