BACTERIA VS CATS AS PETS
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BACTERIA |
CATS |
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BREEDING |
To get more cats, you need at least two, one of each sex. You have to wait till they are 6 months old before they breed and they only breed during breeding season. A single bacteria will set you up for life and will breed any time of year when only hours old. |
You can neuter cats to attain a stable population. The only way t stop bacteria breeding is to kill them otherwise they multiply out of control. Your neighbours can get animal control to help with stray cats; animal control cannot sort out the overspill from your Streptococcus culture. |
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SIZE |
Bacteria are compact. A whole colony can live on a petri dish. You can collect different kinds and keep them stacked up in the warm-room. |
You can't cuddle a bacteria. Cats are solid and just the right size to be hugged, stroked and to sit on your lap. |
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SLEEPLESS NIGHTS |
Bacteria do not come on heat. They do not keep you awake all night crying for a mate or for you to play with them. |
Cats don't cause you to spend a sleepless night in the bathroom vomiting violently and running with diarrhoea. Escherichia coli is not a fun way to spend the night. |
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LOW MAINTENANCE |
There is no litter box to change. Bacteria are easily fed by adding more sugar or nutrient solution to their medium. |
Cats don't spread to all your foodstuffs or overrun your fridge when their bowls are empty - that means there will be SOMETHING left for you to eat without the risk of infection. |
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VACATIONS |
Bacteria do not require a neighbour's attention while you're away. Just put them in the fridge and they'll stay fresh. This can also be done with cats but is heavily frowned upon. |
Neighbours are grudgingly willing to care for cats, but few will feed your slimy dish of Pseudomonas. Bacteria breed even at low temperatures and will escape from their environment and into your yoghurt at the slightest opportunity. Cats can be restrained in a cage and will not escape to contaminate your foodstuffs. |
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COAT |
Both cats and bacteria are covered with hair. Bacteria are covered with hair (cilia) on a microscopic level. They do not shed hairs all over the place or sick balls of it up on the bed. |
Bacteria fur is not warm, silky and nice to stroke. If you do manage to stroke cilia, bacteria do not purr. Cats come in a variety of coat types: long, short, coarse, silky, straight, curly etc. Bacteria coat your tongue. |
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EXERCISE |
There's no need to put your bacteria out for exercise. Simply put them in a large flask and shake them for a few hours. Bacteria are easier to round up - a centrifuge does the job in minutes. |
Most cats are happy to run round the house a few times. You can play with your cat or watch it chase a jingle toy. Bacteria do not chase ping-pong balls. |
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HUNTING AND SCAVENGING |
Bacteria do not bring dead animals into your house, displaying them to dinner guests. At worst a renegade bacterium will keep you in the bathroom for a few days. |
Bacteria-owners often orget that some bacteria will turn live dinner-guests into dead dinner-guests. A cat may bring home dead prey, but it doesn't invite friends round for a meal garnished with food poisoning. |
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HYGIENE |
Washing a bacterial pellet does not require a knowledge of the martial arts and will not leave you with scar tissue. |
Washing a cat does not require grade 1 decontaminants, a nuke-suit or a room with air-seals and environmental controls. When washing a cat, the idea is to spruce it up. When washing bacteria, the idea is to kill. Most cats wash themselves. Bacteria are unhygienic, period. |
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TV HABITS |
It is rare to be unable to see your TV screen because of a bacterium sleeping on top, dangling its legs. If this is a problem, you should either remove bacteria colonies and food spills from the screen or buy a larger TV set. |
A cat will sit on your lap and keep you company during a TV movie. You cannot cry into a bacterium's fur if the movie has a weepy ending. |
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FUNERARY RITES |
A bacterium is unlikely to clog your toilet or drain when it dies, causing a £200 plumbing bill. |
Cats live 12-14 years on average. Bacteria are short-lived - that's an awful lot of flushing. You can't build up a decent relationship with a bacterium whose lifespan is measured in hours or days.. |
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DISPOSAL AND ESCAPE |
To dispose of unwanted bacteria when you get bored of it, just seal the flask and dump it. Or pour bleach into it. Or incinerate it. Dumping an unwanted cat will generally result in prosecution, fines and bans. |
Bacteria escape into the environment, are hard to locate, hard to remove and impossible to rehome to a anyone not actively engaged in biological warfare. Cats are easy to catch by comparison. On the other hand, if you try to contain bacteria, it will multiply and spread itself to all your friends and neighbours. Cats can be restrained and neutered. |
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AND THE KNOCKOUT BLOW …. |
Bacteria are responsible for more human deaths than caused by cats. Yersinia pestis (Black Death) wiped out huge numbers of people in Europe. The Black Death (Bubonic Plague) got a clear run at this because the cats which would have controlled the rats were being killed due to witchcraft associations. |
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