USMC GULF WAR CUSTOMER SATISFACTION QUESTIONNAIRE (AIR-DROP)
1a: You have just been attacked by
[ ] USAF
[ ] USN
[ ] USMC
[ ] RAF
[ ] RN / Fleet Air Arm
[ ] Don't know
1b: The missile used was
[ ] Patriot
[ ] Maverick
[ ] Storm Shadow
[ ] Scud
[ ] Other (please specify)
[ ] Don't know
If you answered "Scud" to question 1b, there is no need to continue.
2. Are you;
[ ] Special Republican Guard
[ ] Republican Guard
[ ] Irregular Forces
[ ] Civilian/Friendly Forces/Other Non-Combatant
If you answered "Civilian/Friendly Forces/Other Non-Combatant" to Question 2, there is no need to continue, please accept our apologies for targeting you unnecessarily.
3. How much damage did this weapon do to your position?
[ ] It struck Mohammed right between the eyes, it’s going to take a spoon to get him in the body bag
[ ] It’s going to be awkward firing the Kalashnikov with only one arm
[ ] Pah! A mere scratch
[ ] Failed to go off and brother Ahmed now ties his camels to it.
4. How accurate was this weapon?
[ ] Just a crater where our fighting positions once were
[ ] Just a crater where our latrines once were
[ ] Just a crater where our local corner store once was
[ ] We’re Iranian / Turkish / Kuwaiti
5. How shocked and awed were you by this weapon?
[ ] Busy making white flag even as I write
[ ] Have rediscovered religion
[ ] Not as good as Disney
[ ] Not even as spectacular as cousin Ahmed's trick with a lit fart.
6. How did you hear about this weapon?
[ ] Whistling sound, looked up
[ ] Uncle Hassan's Division was struck by one yesterday
[ ] French offered to sell me one
[ ] CNN/Fox news report
Thank you for taking the time to complete our questionnaire, it can be handed in at any Coalition Command Post. The USMC welcomes careful drivers.
GEORGE BUSH APOLOGY LETTER
Dear
[ ] Sir
[ ] Madam
[ ] Your Grace
[ ] Your Majesty
[ ] General
[ ] Prime Minister
[ ] Minister
[ ] Other (Please Specify)...........................................
On behalf of the United States, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize wholeheartedly and unreservedly for the:
[ ] Death of
[ ] Destruction of
[ ] Damage to
[ ] Assault upon
[ ] Other (Please Specify)............................................
your
[ ] Soldier
[ ] Son/Daughter
[ ] Husband/Wife
[ ] Parent
[ ] Troops
[ ] APC (or other Armoured Fighting Vehicle)
[ ] Other Vehicle
[ ] Aircraft (Please Specify)...........................................
[ ] Regimental Mascot
[ ] Colonel In Chief
[ ] Corgi
[ ] Other (Please Specify)...............................................
during the recent
[ ] Conflict
[ ] Peace Keeping Operations
[ ] Presidential visit
[ ] Peace Visit
[ ] Regime Change
[ ] Social Event
[ ] 'Liberation'
[ ] Other (Please Specify)................................................
with/in
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Afghanistan
[ ] The Taliban
[ ] North Korea
[ ] The former Yugoslavia (or any one or number of its constituent states)
[ ] The UK
[ ] The War on Terror
[ ] Other (Please Specify)...............................................
As you are well aware, the long term safety and security of our
[ ] Allies
[ ] Oil sources
[ ] Domination over the Middle East
[ ] Own Asses
[ ] Other (Please Specify).....................................................
is extremely important to us.
Rest assured that this problem is now being addressed and no friendly fire incident like this will ever occur again. (Terms and conditions may apply). The reason for this incident appears to be:
[ ] Technical Error
[ ] Tactical Error
[ ] Issues in target identification/indication
[ ] The gung-ho, "shoot-first-ask-questions-later" mentality of our troops
[ ] The child-like mentality of our troops
[ ] The lack of any form of mentality whatsoever in our troops
[ ] A practical joke gone wrong
[ ] The fact that nobody bothered to tell our pilots what the Union Flag looks like
[ ] The fact that the pilot couldn't remember what the Union Flag looks like
[ ] The fact that the pilot was blind
[ ] The fact that the pilot is from one of the Southern states
[ ] Communication error (we weren't talking slowly enough for our troops to understand)
[ ] System failure due to blue screen of death
[ ] Other (Please Specify).........................................................
Again, I apologise unreservedly and assure you that we will not allow incidents of this nature to take place again. Much.
Signed, (in crayon)
George "Dubya" Bush.
DUMMY BOMBS AND DUMB BOMBERS
In response to the dropping of a dummy bomb on the Yorkshire countryside during the hours of early darkness by the USAF, Ma-whippet Ferret al Flatcap spokesman of the Yorkshire Resistance Army has given a press conference:
"They (the USAF) come during the night - and as you know, release their dummy bombs indiscriminately and without any plan on t' countryside areas, farmhouses and t' villages of Yorkshire. Wherever they see a sign of light, a dummy bomb is dropped on it. I have not ordered any answer to be given, thinking that they would stop this nonsensical behaviour. They have taken this to be a sign of our weakness. You will understand that we, the people of Yorkshire, shall now give a reply, night for night, and with increasing force. And if the US Air Force drops two, three or four kilos of dummy bombs, then we will now drop 150, 180, 230, 300 or 400 kilos of York Hams, Black Puddings and Yorkshire Teabags or more, in one night. We will erase their McDonalds Franchises! We will burn them in t' KFCs and Taco Bells! We will put a stop to t' game of these night-pirates!"
This followed rumours that the USA now consider Yorkshire a fully fledged member of the "Axis of Evil" and may use 4,600lb Paveway III laser guided penetrating bombs for strikes on hardened underground targets.
A spokesman for the Yorkshire Resistance Army proclaimed "There are no underground targets! We proud Yorkshiremen stopped hiding down t' coal mines following strikes at underground targets in t' Scargillian era when the government deployed its own Weapons of Mine Destruction and closed all t' pits".
However, according to US sources close to Colon Bowel, it was not a malfunction of the bomb release, the "Identify Friend or Foe" system incorrectly identified Tweedie's Farm and Chicken Pie Factory as a site for manufacturing chemical and biological weapons. The idea was to jam the mechanism of the machinery causing it to explode. The bomb unfortunately deflected off a delivery truck later identified as "Grimethorpe Butchery, Black Pudding maker and Tripe Dressers (London, New York, Paris and Grimethorpe, but mostly Grimethorpe)".
A spokesman for the president read a crayoned statement by George W Bush which said that "We apologisticate for the 'friendly dud' incident but in a combattle situational location so close to the front line, it is difficult to tell the difference between those damn eye-rackis and a chicken farm. God blessify the Unitified Statutes of Armenia"
The pilot, Captain Mike "Blowupificater" O'McGryzbwskiberg, was quoted as saying. "Yee hah! I nuked those damn Commie Eye-racki Ay-rab Gooks all the way back to Paris. Yeah!"
No chickens were available for comment, they apparently all escaped uninjured in the confusion and have sought pulletical asylum at a local animal sanctuary.
GULF CONFLICT TV SATURATION
BBC News 24 is preparing for the 'busy season' as it anticipates a bumper viewing period when they air the ambitious sequel to "Gulf War - Desert Storm"; "Gulf War II - Saddam's Return". A spokesman said that networks were looking forward to bringing the latest in live action and special effects - including the possibility of an exploding nuclear weapon - directly to audiences around the world.
Anchors Jane and Matthew said "We fully expect the sequel to be bigger and better - better technology will allow us to give you an experience from your living room chair like you were really there killing the infidel yourselves. We have tried really hard in arranging this war to ensure that the viewing public will enjoy every second, and are just crossing our fingers that everything goes off as planned."
BBC News 24, renamed BBC War 24 for the duration of Gulf War II's season, believe that the combination of old favourites and new faces in the cast - like Bush the younger, popular son of the star of the last film - will make this series even more involving for the public. Comic commentary will be provided by a parody "information minister" Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
According to BBC War 24 reports, a British battalion swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained Year 6 teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. The UK Defence Minister argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction. The members of the Baghdad branch of Weightwatchers are being questioned over weapons of "mass destruction" and all pet shops offering weapons of mouse destruction have had their traps confiscated.
"Gulf War II" airs soon on BBC News 24, and timed to coincide with the commencement of this hard hitting series 'Gulf War I' will be re-released as a 400 DVD special collectors edition with footage never before shown, directors commentary, and an interview with the man who changed Bush the elders nappies.
After the fall of Baghdad, the al-Sahhaf show was dropped from BBC News 24 schedules; but look out for more madcap adventures of everyone's favourite henchman on BBC1 (Yes Information Minister), BBC Radio 4 (The Men from The Information Ministry) and UK Gold (Bagh-Dad's Army)
CNN aired an interview with 3 American "experts" (including a former 2-star general from delta force) and a British SAS man. The station showed footage of Iraqis giving themselves up.
TV Anchorman: We have no verification as of yet if they are British or American troops taking these POW's
US Expert 1: Only Americans wear boots like that, they're American
US Expert 2: I agree, and they appear to have American camouflage jackets.
US Expert 3 (delta force bloke): I'm not so sure, there's not enough up-close detail to tell 100%, we'd need some close images to tell make of boots and jackets and maybe the shape of their kevlar headgear.
Ex-SAS man: Call yourselves experts? Since when did US forces use an SA80 as a standard issue rifle? Their DPM's can be bought as can boots so you're chasing rainbows if you want to identify them from their clothes.
Anchorman: I think you're right.
Ex SAS man: Course I'm bloody right. Any one with half a brain and basic military training worth their salt should be able to identify a British soldier by his rifle. Not to mention the fact they're covering all points properly, not shouting "woo yeah" randomly, and haven't raised a flag in direct contravention with orders.
At this point 1 of the American "experts" walks off stage tearing his microphone off.
Anchorman: I think we can safely say the soldiers on your screen are British. Now for these messages.
Interviewer: I always understood that SAS members had to keep their identity secret so you couldn't tell your family and friends what you REALLY did for a living, and you certainly wouldn't wonder about after an SAS operation (ie. the bank raid gone wrong) with your face revealed. Have I got it wrong?
Former serviceman: Oh yes. The SAS don't really train much in HALO parachute jumps, hostage rescue, close quarter combat etc. anymore, they tend to concentrate on typing skills, getting publishing contracts, securing agents for TV appearances, that sort of thing.
Former serviceman then puts on funny voices
Voice 1: Red one golf to red two hotel, I have the shot, over
Voice 2: Roger red one golf, take out the X-ray when ready
Voice 1: X-ray? No, I've got the perfect shot for the front of the book... see the way the light's framing the team in those photogenic black outfits...
Voice 2: Roger red one golf... OK, Phillipa, take a note. Chapter Two: So I slotted the raghead, tap tap, and then there were a couple of armoured divisions, and we took them all out, and Wonky lost his leg and I said "Haw haw you're legless," and we all laughed and captured Baghdad by lunchtime...
24-hour saturation coverage of Gulf War on BBC interrupted for 5 second of shot of Brighton's West Pier burning down - blink and you've missed it, almost counts as subliminal news report! So what caused the blaze? American friendly fire? Stray Iraqi missile? Mutant killer rabbits bent on world domination? The Provisional Wing of the National Viewers and Listeners Association desperately trying to get something different from Gulf War II on BBC evening news? Spontaneous combustion when a very large sculpture made of buttered toast undergoes gravitational collapse to become a grey hole (like a black hole, but with lots of crumbs and grease stains from the melted butter, often found down side of sofa cushion)? None of the above?
WMD WEATHER REPORTING
BBC weather has just done a complete U turn and has said that February is going to be mild. Might as well put the sled away and bring out the deck chairs … the Weather of Massive Downfall claims were obviously sexed-up!
PIGEONS AND WHIPPETS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Eng 1:
WW3 will probably start if there was a coop [sic] in Saudi, and we tried to interfere or they were anti-west.Pentagon conspiracy theory .... well that's another thing, he says they didn't find any aircraft parts in the debris. However, they DID find quite a lot of building debris, so my theory is a building (possibly a large bungalow) flew into the Pentagon. PROVE ME WRONG!
THE BREATHING MEDAL
Dear Friends, Please help our servicemen get the Breathing Medal.
Your help in the form of letter writing is needed at this time. Many Congressman and Senators are in favor of the creation of the Breathing Medal. Much of the resistance for creation of the medal comes from the Secretary of Defense. Even if you are not an oxygen-consumer I hope you will support the creation of the Breathing Medal to honor the servicemen who did inhale and exhale during this troubled time.
I would ask that you copy and paste the letter below, sign it at the bottom and print and mail it to the Defense Secretary. If you are a serviceman who inhaled and exhaled during a conflict, surely your years of existence warrant a simple medal that honors your existence. Please also mail a copy of this letter to your Congressmen and Senators.
Your help in this is badly needed and I thank you) more information on this topic can be found at www.boredveterans.com Send your letter to The Secretary of Defense, Department of Defense, Washington DC
Dear Mr. Secretary:
This year when the House and Senate passed the National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2002 (Public Law 107-107) a provision was added that expressed the sense of Congress that the Secretary of Defense should consider authorizing a Breathing Medal. Members of AMVETS, a congressionally chartered veterans service organization, believe the issuance of this medal would be a fitting and proper act of appreciation to the veterans of life. I agree with the AMVETS and think it is only fitting that a Breathing Medal be created to Honor the Service of the Veterans of Existing.
Sincerely,
That Hercules crash, you know where the engine in the wreckage isn't a Herc engine. They must've been transporting something and it's the engine from that - I mean what was in the Herc - that is on the news.
I think you're on to something here because the bloke in the pub who has a big moustache, so I think he's in the RAF, was saying that it was a P-3 Orion that was inside a Hercules. They were looking for submarines but didn't want to get spotted. The submarines are very well hidden in the desert hence the lack of any naval casualties. See it all makes sense. Anyway, then his tin foil hat needed changing.