Dear Auntie Agony

I'm hoping you can help me with a PC problem. I've been installing some new software on my PC, but have a few problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and nothing seems to be working properly.

I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 practically forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I've tried have conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the option to turn the sound off. If I just run them separately, they work okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Football, Formula1, Snooker, Boxing, Golf and Cricket programs, often trying to abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility errors.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but thought I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed the VD-Shield protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about. It automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I currently now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Personally, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. He did this, but soon after that he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 and register the change. Wife 1.0 is as a huge resource hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else until he upgrades his system hardware. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Wife 1.0 installed itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. I've discovered that some applications such as GuysNightOut, DrinkingBuddies and PubCrawl are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 1.0 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. MotherInLaw has an automatic pop-up display, and an annoying sound feature he can't turn off. System performance seems to be diminishing with each passing day.

The resource allocation module of Wife 1.0, when bundled with Fulltime-Job, sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins and Device-Drivers he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 as a back-up application, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will automatically PKUnzip Lawyer, scan all subdirectories, and delete Money files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.

Please help,

Frustrated User

Dear Frustrated User

I was disturbed to hear of the troubles you and your friend are having with your chosen software packages (Wife 1.0, Girlfriend 3.x, 4.x, and Mistress 1.x). All of your strife could have been avoided if you had done more product research and chosen My Special Wife (MS Wife) instead of inferior products with a similar look and feel, but inferior functionality. However, I will try to offer you some advice.

All versions of Girlfriend, Fiancee and Wife have an irritating tendency to spawn Child-Processes even if your resources are almost exhausted. These Child-Processes further consume valuable resources. No mention of this feature is included in the brochure or user documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Even if you uninstall the programs, any Child-Process only partially uninstalls and continues to drain resources and cache. The more Child-Process applications spawned, the worse the drain on system resources and cache. Lawyer appears to worsen this, as does the shareware version of ChildSupportAgency which now has a bugfix against the old RunawayFather workaround (Freeware). There is a patch to prevent child processes on a temporary basis and also a permanent fix; but the best solution is not to meddle with the software and to disable all macros when using any version of Girlfriend, Fiancee or Wife.

To avoid bugs you've mentioned, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Regards,

Auntie Agony

Dear Auntie Agony,

After discussing your reply with my friend he made a note of the features he'd like to see in the Wife 2.0 upgrade:

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You would think they'd have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work properly, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system and these hamper the installation of new releases of Girlfriend.

Another thing that really bugs me - all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

Yours,

Frustrated User

Dear Frustrated User

The Wife 1.0 conflict with Mistress 1.x you mention is well known. To avoid this, try installing Mistress 1.x on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.x via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

To overcome incompatibility between Girlfriend programs, install the different versions of Girlfriend on separate platforms which run as standalone systems. This allows you to bench-test different configurations until you find one that suits you.

This works. I am currently running 4 versions of ToyBoy on multiple platforms and although each one is a terrific drain on cache, they have such different functionality that I really can't work out which one to stick with so I tend to flit from one to the other to make best use functions (virus protection crucial). I plan to acquire a copy of SugarDaddy which is a non-functional demo program which nevertheless frees up a huge amount of cache and resources which can be used by other applications. However that means installing SugarDaddy in server mode and networking the ToyBoy apps as clients.

Hope this Helps,

Auntie Agony

Dear Auntie Agony

Surely this is a dodgy configuration of any system. With 4 ToyBoy clients you will probably need to set your self up as a server. Don't rely on the SugarDaddy server for more cache though. According to my father, the SugarDaddy server systems can cut their cache allocation without any notice and could leave you with very short resources! Setting yourself up as a server of this kind is pretty dodgy for your system. With 4 client ToyBoys accessing your various I/O Ports at various times there is no certainty what is being pushed or popped into your stack (assuming an Intel configuration of course; push and pop being 8086 assembler commands). Indeed, if all clients start requesting services at the same time your scheduler may have to compromise its security protocols to cope with the demand of service. Unfortunately this is when one of two bad things can happen:

1) a virus is loaded into your server and then your server passes it on to all client processes.
2) You unexpectedly spawn ChildProcess and the responsible client may be difficult to Pinpoint. (I have heard that low level IP address analysis can be used to identify clients though).

Also, one or more of the ToyBoy clients may be accessed by another server if it is on a network (or is hacked) and this could introduce a virus into an otherwise virus-free environment. The problem is that these configurations are really designed for use in promiscuous mode and while such multi-user "shareware" server systems generally cope for some time, ultimately people don't want to maintain this type of configured machine and they eventually get left on the back shelf of the system room.

The best type of configuration in my personal opinion is a single server system with just one client: the "monogamous" configuration. These systems can last a long time and have the main advantages of security and strong virus protection. There are, from time to time, hackers who try to break such systems but if the configuration is correct a system like that is unbreakable! There are still the old system conflicts I mentioned e.g. with DrinkingBuddies, PubNight, Football but these small bugs are more sorted out than some of the modern viruses.

Regards,

Frustrated User

Dear Frustrated User

All clients (and SugarDaddy) must be virus checked before use to prevent problem (1) and of course, addition virus prevention measures are wise. Point (2) isn't actually relevant on my current server (having been disabled and cannot be reinstalled), but may be a problem for other server configurations. Spawn can be disabled temporarily on all servers running multi-user Girlfriend, but this isn't 100% reliable and it can be reinstalled without notifying the ToyBoy client (usually in the hope of triggering the 'monogamy' option and installing the helper application Husband 1.0; though this strategy rarely succeeds as a long-term configuration). Sometimes Spawn spontaneously self-installs and can be a devil to get rid of!

As the system ages, it becomes increasingly hard to locate and install ToyBoy unless you have vast resources, especially cache. However, in the short run, it can be as exhilarating as a 'Playstation' though, the time-slicing can be a headache and some clients uninstall themselves if the system spends too much time dealing with other processes. These uninstalls tend to leave 'stubs' (often in one's chequebook) from untidy self-uninstall routines; sometimes they leave behind or trigger malicious subroutines (terminate and stay residents).

Yours,

Auntie Agony

Dear Auntie Agony

Thanks for the info on multi-user systems, but I don't think I have the resources or cache for these and it's hard to remember what add-ons I've used for the different copies of Girlfriend on different platforms. Please can you tell me more about MS Wife which you mentioned earlier?

Frustrated User

Dear Frustrated User

My Special Wife 1.0 is unlike the other Girlfriend packages. MS Wife 1.0 grows with you and actually contributes to your resource pool. MS Wife 1.0 has a complex AI which allows it to understand your input even if it isn't exactly rational or logical. MS Wife 1.0 is not a resource hog, and in fact understands that it takes cooperation of Software and Hardware to Spawn and maintain a well written Child-Process efficiently.

MS Wife 1.0 understands that your hardware has not existed in a vacuum prior to installation of MS Wife and that you've installed and removed many applications prior to installing MS Wife. MS Wife does not begrudge previous companion software installs as long as they have been completely removed and there is no trace of them in the system. MS Wife actually encourages the installation of entertainment packages like Snooker and Formula1 (all releases) and enjoys DrinkingBuddies 1.0. There are no conflicts with the Home-Improvement or Mechanical-Aptitude expansion packs which you may use as upgrades to the primary OS, even if you spend a lot of time using those apps while MS Wife ticks over in background mode.

And as far as I/O ports go, MS Wife 1.0 can actually improve performance and compatibility to unheard of levels. Truly astonishing in this aspect as a matter of fact. Even if one port is temporarily out of action, the package permits you to use an alternative port until normal functioning is restored (usually within a few days).

The MotherInLaw applet does exist in MS Wife 1.0 and it can be a questionable 'feature' sometime, but the applet process may be temporarily suspended for periods of time without hindering system performance, and actually the applet can be fun once you learn to associate other applications with it since it shares many of the subroutines with MS Wife (e.g. PubNight) and has a few additional routines of its own which you might like to use (SundayDinner, PlaceToCrash and ShoulderToCryOn).

However, MS Wife 1.0 does not co-exist with any other companionship or child productivity style software. I myself think of this a feature and not a bug, as it tends to keep financial support costs down. I would point out that if you really feel that you need multiple suites of companion software that you should avoid using ANY Wife type products as they are not likely to perform in the manner you might expect. Indeed, I would recommend sticking to HandJob 5.0 until you can find the time to read the documentation for Girlfriend 3.0 or you can rent out a version the no-strings-attached-ware CallGirl for reasonable rates depending on how extensively, and for how long, you want the use the application.

Auntie Agony

Dear Auntie Agony

I finally gave up on MS-Girlfriend and MS-Wife. I am now running Dirty-Tom-Cat V1 on my system. It is linux based and therefore never runs out of cache or CPU time for running various other system options like Night-out-on-the-town V6, Football-match-V2, and Filthy-shag-of-a-one-night-stand V27 (and rising). Applications like Girlfriend only operate on this system for a while before self-uninstalling, but the OS does not give a sh*t. This frees up cache for other system utilities like Nice-Car V8 and holiday V10. Utilities like Free-sex have to be downloaded from the web on demand, often by a facilitator program such as Night-Out-On-The-Town. The prescence of TSR programs like Ribbed-Durex-V2 near the cache is a must. As is the ability to find a copy of Nob-Doctor V2 should the need arise.

Avoidance programs like False-Identity V7 are recommended on this sort of system in case any previous Girlfriend programs spawn child routines and activate Child-Support-Agency or Lawyer procedures.

No-Longer-Frustrated User

Dear Auntie Agony

I read your column with interest. A friend of mine who works in the City has a similar problem. Maybe you can help.

He upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble but he immediately found conflicts between the two systems and tried running Girlfriend with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 was incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 95. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these 2 systems detected each other they caused severe damage to his hardware. So he switched to Fiancee 1.0 and found that it required rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. he became aware that mistakes could not be deleted and resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also automatically ran PhotoSTROP and WHINGEzip and no option on the help menu seemed to work.

Recently he has been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS-Money files before uninstalling itself.

Is there a bug-fix available?

Exasperated of Redbridge

Dear Auntie Agony,

I read your column every week, but never thought I'd have to write to you. I too had problems with various versions of Girlfriend. Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover to my dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.However, whilst  Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000. But imagine my disappointment though on discovering  Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes I make are  automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and annoyingly cannot be deleted - they then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving me to try  and GUESS the fault myself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop-Browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle-Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments I wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 has the rather annoying Terminate and Stay Resident program called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off and which pops up whenever I plan to invoke FreeSexPlus or KinkyNookie utilities. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

By the way, if you try to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, you will discover that when these two systems detect each other they caused severe damage to your hardware. Also, FreeSex Plus is a demo version only and runs out after 1 year.  It can be used a few times again if you try Conception 1.0 and then for each upgrade of Conception 2.0, 3.0 but it usually stops completely after that.

I know you've heard it all before, but what can I do?

You need a good firewall. I recommend Desert Island 3.1. :) It comes with Belly Dancer 1.0 attached and Harem 2.1 is available as an add on. You will find that it will give you the control you need.

Dear Frustrated User

I am sorry to inform you that you cannot load any other software which is not compatible with Wife 1.0. If you install Girlfriend 7.0 or Girlfriend 8.0 on a separate partition and run the system, then during regular system scans Wife 1.0 detects and deletes them. If you have kept the system in write protect mode then Wife 1.0 halts and refuses to reboot until you manually delete the Girlfriend packages. You will need to reboot using Mediator 6.4 Pro or Marriage Guidance 8 SE. Alternatively, you can migrate to Divorce 2003. After reformatting, you can install Girlfriend 7.0 or higher ... but registry changes made by Wife1.0 may cause problems when attempting to install Wife 2.0 or higher.