Flight attendants also have a laugh sometimes.

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

Sydney, Australia: A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single check-in attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and demands preferential treatment.
Stroppy Passenger: I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class.
Check-In: I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.
Stroppy Passenger: (loudly, so whole queue can hear) do you have any idea who I am?
The check-in attendant's response was made using the public address microphone so that the whole terminal hears it.
Check-In: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please. We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.
The queuing passengers are now laughing.
Stroppy Passenger: F*** You!
Check-In: I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

On a Southwest flight (Southwest has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were taking their time choosing where to sit. A flight attendant announced: "People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" (i.e. no longer young) flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."

Pilot, in flight: We have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

Cabin staff, Southwest Airline flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

United Airlines Orlando to Chicago. During severe turbulence, it was like riding a rollercoaster as the elderly DC-10 bucked and creaked and passengers screamed. Everyone, including the cabin staff, had to strap in. Passengers at the back could see the plane pitch steeply up or down. On the approach to O'Hare, the captain apologised for the rough ride and added "Most of you folks have probably just spent your vacation at the theme parks of Orlando where you had to pay for scary rides. This United Airlines flight to Chicago has just provided you with the ride of a lifetime at no extra cost!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach (Economy) yelled: "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Flight attendant, Southwest Airlines: Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
Male: I think everyone's asleep, let's go.
Female: This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first
Male: It's a bit cramped - let me sit down.
Female: Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on.
Male: (sniffing noises) Ah perfume - you think of everything.
Female: This is great... (long sigh)
Announcement from cockpit: This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector.

Camp-acting Flight Attendant: The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays - that would be great.
One woman did not put her tray up.
Camp-acting Flight Attendant: Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane.
The woman still would not put her tray up and the Flight Attendant was getting angry and asked her again.
Stubborn Woman Passenger: In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one.
Camp-acting Flight Attendant: In MY country, I'm called a queen, and I outrank you, bitch! So put the tray up!

According to a Ryanair passenger's letter published in the UK's Independent newspaper, a Ryanair cabin attendant's briefing covering the actions required of the passengers in the event of a landing on water included the following:""Your lifejacket contains a light & a whistle which may be used to attract sharks." Upon mentioning this to the attendant, the letter writer was informed that he was the only person on the flight who noticed it.

In the 1950s, to inaugurate a jet-passenger service, an airline invited a number of VIP's to take the first flight. After the trip was under way, the guests were surprised to hear the pilot's voice coming over the intercom. "Say, honey," he said, "how about bringing me a cup of coffee and lots of love?" The embarrassed hostess, realizing that the pilot had flipped the public intercom switch instead of the one that she alone could hear, raced up the aisle to his cabin. Just as she was about to enter it one of the VIP's called to her. "You forgot the coffee, honey," he said.

Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during a hurricane:
Captain: Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and co-operation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
Short pause and several clicks, the captain again: Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now.
A stricken stewardess dashes up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on; one of the passengers calls out after her: Don't forget the coffee!

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a Black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
Flight Attendant: What seems to be the problem Madam?
Passenger: Can't you see? You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!
Flight Attendant: Please calm down, Madam, the flight is very full today, but I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.
After a short while, the flight attendant returns to the smug-looking arrogant white South African lady and the outraged black man beside her. (not to
Flight Attendant: Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat
in first class. (Pause) It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person. (Turning to the black gentleman beside the arrogant white woman) So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you ...
Apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the Black man walked up to the front of the plane.

The following is either a pilot's after-dinner speech or urban myth:
A [airline name] employee with the last name of Gay was flying on a company pass (basically an open ticket letting him travel as long as there is an unbooked seat). Mr. Gay found a man in his seat and sat elsewhere. Since the plane turned out to be overbooked, a ticket agent approached the man in Mr. Gay's assigned seat and asked "Are you Gay?" When the bewildered man nodded that he was gay, the agent said, "Well, get your things, you'll have to get off. The real Mr. Gay overheard and, realising that he was the one who should get off the flight, quickly interrupted, "I'm Gay." The agent told him he'd have to leave the plane at which another passenger, observing this whole scene, announced defiantly, "I'm gay, too. Heck, you can't throw us all off."


ALLEGEDLY A FLIGHT ATTENDANT'S SPIEL ON AN ALASKA AIR FLIGHT TO SAN FRANCISCO:
(This "reported as true" spiel is actually a collection of well known quotes that may or may not have been used by a flight attendant with a sense of humour. It apparently forms part of a retired Delta pilot's after-dinner speech and begins "On a flight from San Francisco from Seattle, the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' Let me tell you, getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.")

(Before Takeoff.) Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favour and put on your mask first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favourite. Help that one first, and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy thing like you're car ... cos you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is . . . Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?

(After landing.) Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens. As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

It's better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than in the air wishing you were on the ground.