These are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. In some countries, aviation enthusiasts with appropriate radio receivers listen in on the chatter. The following are (allegedly) accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. Many of these are widely circulated and the identities of the planes and airports change, so they pretty much qualify for legend status. Some, such as the noise abatement exchanges, are aviation "in jokes". The following compendium is courtesy of friends in the aerospace industry.

LONDON GATWICK

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Owing to "difficulties", a pilot was making his third approach for landing at London Gatwick on what one assumes was his first time flying into Gatwick.
Tower: "The airport is that large building directly ahead .... the 'other runway' you saw is the M23 motorway. "
Unnamed Flight (in heavily sarcastic voice): "Roger, Gatwick, I think I'm getting the hang of it now."

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

SR-71 Blackbird was crossing the control-zone of London Control. Evidently the controller didn't know the service ceiling of this aircraft is around 30,000 metres (yes metres, not feet!). There are so many variations on this item that the original event has evidently become part of aviation folklore or joke-lore.
Pilot: "Radar, Good Day, Airforce Blackbird, request FL 600(!)"
Controller (amused): "Sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL 600"
Pilot: "US Air Force Blackbird, leaving FL 800, decending Level 600..."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

OAKLAND, USA

Pilot: "Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton"
Ground: "Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport"

NEW YORK, USA

New York Center: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
New York Center: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
New York Center: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"
New York Center: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"

WASHINGTON DC, USA

WDC Clearance Delivery: "German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

VIENNA

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Vienna Tower."
Pilot: (after a break for thinking) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (another break for thinking) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (again, a break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

Pilot with Southern drawl: Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with ya at seven thousand, with Information - excuse the expression - Yankee.

Controller: "Delta 501, you are cleared to LAX via the Citrus3 departure, climb FL150 initially ..."
Pilot: "Delta 501, actually we want to fly to JFK!"
Controller: "But that's not what your flight plan says!"
Pilot: "Stand by ... Delta 501, we definitely fly to JFK, all the passengers say that!"

ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say altitude?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say again altitude and heading?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude and heading."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say cancel IFR"
Eastern: "Center, This is Eastern 145 FL 310 heading 260."

This is another in-joke, as there are several other reports.
Tower: "Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuelstate?"
Aircraft: "Fuelstate"
Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!"
Aircraft: "Again"

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60." (pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA

ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

MONCTON

Moncton Center (at busy time): "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
Moncton Center: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
Moncton Center: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
Moncton Center: "It's eskimo for f--k off!"

ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?"
Moncton Center: "As soon as I get a chance, I will."
(some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?"
Moncton Center: "Standby for that, please"
(more radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?"
Moncton Center: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds."

Aurora: "Moncton, TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500, loitering over the city of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes. We'd like radar flight following."
Moncton Center: "TRIALS08, roger, you're radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against loitering?"
Aurora: "Ah... roger that"

(Note the callsign of the answering aircraft)
Moncton Center: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."
Moncton Center: "Maybe sooner than you think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..."
Moncton Center: "See what I mean?"

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away Tower reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND

Korean Air 1234 : "Please say runway and brake situation".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ehhh... Say again...".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed aircraft says did not need to use brakes, ten to fifteen millimeter deep water on runway".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ah thank you !".

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop."

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.""
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative KLM 242"
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

Control: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."
Control: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Control: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Control: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, check car on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger we'll check the car on the runway."

Pilot: "Frankfurt Information,this is Delta Bravo Zulu. We are now over Dinkelsbuhl."
Tower: "But you were supposed to call Munich Information!"
Pilot: "Yes, I know, but I prefer your program."

Pilot: "Lufthansa 1234, maintaining 240 standing by for higher (request flight level 390)."
Controller: "Lufthansa 1234 maintain 240."
Pilot: "How long do we have to expect to stay in 240?"
Controller: "Lufthansa 1234 stand by."
Pilot (5 min later): "Lufthansa 1234 still standing by for higher. If we have to stay another five minutes in 240, we will not be able to reach our destination due to fuel consumption."
Controller: "If I clear you up now, you will meet the opposite 737 in 270 and you will not reach your destination for sure."

Pilot: "Approach, Lufthansa 1635, what is this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
Approach: "Lufthansa 1635, what makes you think it is your altitude, Captain?"

BILLUND, DENMARK

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form?"

Pilot: "Tower, this is KLM 190, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger KLM 190, emergency services on standby. Reduce airspeed to best glide. Do you have the runway in sight?"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck has gotten to."

Control: "What's your altitude?"
Helicopter Pilot (female): "1000 feet"
Control: "What's your heading?"
Helicopter Pilot (female): "175"
Control: "What's your speed?"
Helicopter Pilot (female): "150 k"
Control: "What's your bra size?"
Helicopter Pilot (female): "36B........AAAHHHHH SHHIIIITTTTT"
(Although credited to Holland, this is erroneous - Europe uses the metric system and the size would have been 90ish cm)

Never let it be said that Germans don't have a sense of humour.

Taxi-ing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
Concerned passenger to flight attendant: "What, exactly, was the problem?"
Flight attendant: "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine. It took us a while to find a new pilot."

"Pilot: "Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

On a really nice evening, a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
Tower: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock, three miles."
Malibu: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
Tower: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or Chevelle, though."

SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul reported one exchange. His SR-71 was screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high and its crew were monitoring cockpit chatter as they entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control the SR-71, LA monitored its movement across their scope. The SR-71 crew heard a Cessna ask for a readout of groundspeed.
"90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
An F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout."
Center (after a slight pause): "525 knots on the ground, Dusty".
The SR-71 realised how ripe a situation this was for one-upmanship: "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"
Center (after a longer than normal pause): "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further groundspeed inquiries were heard on that frequency.

In similar vein (airport not stated), an SR-71 crew were listening in on a similar "match this" contest. A Cessna asked to clear to 4000 ft, a corporate jet requested clearance to 12,000, an airliner to 18,000, etc. Finally the SR-71 called ATC.
SR-71: "Request clearance to 80,000 ft"
Tower: "Just how in hell do you plan to get up there?"
SR-71: "Uh Tower, I'm descending to 80,000".

Tower: "United 393, do you have a visual on the runway?"
United 393: "United 393, roger, tower. We have visual on runway."
Tower: "United 393, then please advise why you are still in holding pattern."
United 393 (confused, after a pause): "Tower, since when has the runway been, errm, circular?"
Tower (without missing a beat): "United 393, please maintain your current altitude and leave the M25 London Orbital motorway at Junction 15. Follow the M4 eastbound and you will find Heathrow airport due south of Junction 4."

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?"

London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."

VAN NUYS, USA

For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock. Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway..."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

STUTTGART

Lufthansa-Pilot (Im Anflug auf Berlin kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): "Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'"
Controller. "Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie dann zusammenstoßen."
Pilot: "Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher."

Translation supplied by Daniel Rossbach:

Lufthansa-Pilot (approaching Berlin from Brünkendorf VOR): Why did you make us descend so early? You are aware that flying in such a low altitude is highly uneconomical for us, aren't you?
Controller: Yes, we are sorry but there's a lot of traffic from Tegel heading your direction and you might find yourself on a collision course.
Pilot: Well, that would be even more uneconomical.

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"

München Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south?"
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."

The noise abatement chatter is an aviation "in joke" as there are several variations:

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin engine coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

United 402: "United 402 requesting climb to flight level 310"
ATC: "United 402 maintain flight level 250 for noise abatement".
United 402: "What do you mean maintain 250 'for noise abatement'?".
ATC: "If you climb and hit the traffic at 270, there will be a big noise.".

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Control, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base. This, allegedly, was part of the exchange.
Pilot: "Requesting Radar".
ATC: "What is you position?"
Pilot: :"You got radar you find us"
ATC: "Air Force One we're changing frequency"
Pilot: "What frequency are you changing to?"
ATC: "You've got 720 channels - you find us!"

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... In that case you have traffic!

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has.... disregard transmission, I see you've already ejected."

(After-dinner speech material in military aviation circles) A two-engine F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message to the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. However, the B-52 then only continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."

Aircraft display teams are well aware that aviation enthusiasts listen in on cockpit chatter. Hence the two items below.

Two fighter aircraft in formation
Right Pilot: "Counting down. On zero turn left."
Left Pilot: "Did you say 'left'?"
Right Pilot: "Right!"
Left Pilot: "Right ..."

Two display jets approaching on collision course (for last minute evasive manoeuvre):
Pilot 1: "Counting down. On zero turn left."
Pilot 2: "My left or your left?"

"ATIS" (Automated Terminal Information Service) is a recorded message broadcast at busy airports giving pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet (alpha, bravo etc). This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc. At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...