CAR ZODIAC
Aries
March 21-20 April
Taurus
April 21-May 21
Patient, absurdly reasonable Taureans are the safest drivers and love sitting in traffic. Monday morning commuter jams are heaven. But they’re stubborn - they’ll never let you nip in front of them or allow you out of a side road. They think you should enjoy being part of the jam party too. Taurean men don’t like to be navigated - it's much more fun driving round for hours without looking at a map to see if the right road turns up eventually. Taurean women turn into raging bulls if crossed.
Vehicle: Something plain and sensible, like a chocolate-brown Montego.
Music: Anything slow. Sound effects album Now That’s What! Call Traffic is popular.
Passenger information: Walk, it's quicker.
Gemini
May 22-June 21
It’s not the getting there that counts, it’s all the other places you can go on the way. Why drive to Birmingham direct when Cardiff and Brighton are nice too? Geminis change direction as often as they change their minds and would like to be able to go in both directions simultaneously. It’s a twins thing: go this way; no, go that. Gemini men are always late. Gemini women juggle driving, applying make-up, reading their morning mail, eating and talking - in other words they’re dangerous.
Vehicle: Anything but must be two of them.
Music: Can't decide. Would rather you listened to them.
Passenger information: If a Gemini offers you a ride to work, leave at 4am to get there by 9 am.
Cancer
June 22-July 23
Timid on the road, Crabs pull over for a few tears if another driver beeps them. They enjoy convoluted routes but are calculating. Their contrariwise routes trail round half a dozen back-roads but will get there before spontaneous Gemini has decided what gear to be in. Criticise a Cancerian's driving and you'll get hours of the silent treatment. The nagging female Crab is the passenger from hell.
Vehicle: A home on wheels, a shell against the outside world. Will be stocked with survival kit and home comforts. Loves caravans.
Music: Something homey, no sudden noises. Any easy listening station.
Passenger information: There won't be much room for you amidst Cancer's home comforts. Whisper. No sudden loud noises.
Leo
July 24-Aug 23
The egomaniacs of motoring, like Aries but more flashy and less aggressive. They are the kings and queens of the highway so get down on your knees and worship. Leo expects filling station pumps to salute and doesn’t see why he can’t have a police escort like the queen does. Look for the most glamorous woman in a traffic jam and chances are, she’s a Leo. The most glamorous car is driven by a Leo man.
Vehicle: Bentley is a minimum requirement. ‘The Queen has one, why not me?’ Or a Rolls-Royce. Failing those, it must be a cabriolet.
Music: Has recorded crowds shouting his name and applauding.
Passenger information: Analyse a Leo’s three-point turn and you die.
Virgo
Aug 24-Sept 23
Perfectionists to the point of insanity Virgos will drive you mad with their attention to detail and love of road rules. In a 30mph limit they drive at 28.5mph. For Virgos, parking is perfected with a tape measure and protractor, the Highway Code is a visitation from God and they prayed to their driving instructor. They freak if someone cuts into their carefully calculated distance between themselves and the car in front. Virgos are fanatical about cleanliness - cars are mobile clinics. Female Virgos are dementedly punctual to the point of setting off days before they need to.
Vehicle: Must be pure white (including the interior).
Music: Whatever it is, the CD/tape collection must be in exact alphabetical order. Do not touch, do not re-arrange, or you will walk.
Passenger information: Change into clean shoes before getting in the car. Don't get fingerprints on any interior surfaces.
Libra
Sept 24-Oct 23
Librans have a completely irrational love of weighing up what’s best. They enjoy sitting at junctions for hours carefully analysing the pros and cons of a left or right turn, will never row with fellow drivers and charm them into believing everything was their fault. Libran women are vain - mirrors really are for make-up checks. Libran men will irritate with logical and lengthy arguments in favour of their chosen route. Don’t ever ask one for directions, you’ll never get away. Mr Spock from Star Trek wasn't a Vulcan, he was a Libra.
Vehicle: Librans are fashion freaks. Car must be new and stylish e.g. the New Beetle. It will be changed as soon as it goes out of fashion.
Music: They love great lyrics so Pulp’s fine and Steps are out.
Passenger information: Roundabouts can be a challenge. Watch out.
Scorpio
Oct 24-Nov 22
Scorpio is the sexiest sign of the Zodiac and a Scorpio driver thinks he's sex on wheels. The car is a pick-up device, the traffic jam an excuse to seduce. Scorpios behind the wheel buzz with a sexual vibration that makes an Aston Martin look impotent. The female Scorpio drives with single-minded determination and blokes tend towards a sort of automotive swagger. You must never cross a Scorpio on the road - the police are bound to get involved.
Vehicle: Sporty red and Italian or big, black and German.
Music: Seductive,
Passenger information: Claim you’re married to a member of an armed forces elite unit or to a ruthless gangster.
Sagittarius
Nov 23-Dec 21
The archer rules the highways and Sagittarians are adventurous, wild and freedom-loving - and most likely to break the speed limit. Sagittarius adores driving holidays, especially abroad, Over-enthusiasm, however; means they’re often found stuck without a map having just run out of petrol. Women make the better leaders in sticky situations — their optimism is enough to convince timid passengers that ravine plunges are survivable.
Vehicle: Land Rovers or ex-Army Jeeps covered in tents, petrol cans and mud.
Music: James Bond/Indiana Jones film soundtracks.
Passenger information: Take sedatives, a medical kit and a sick-bag.
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 20
Capricorns are always, always right, for they are competent, intelligent, ambitious, driven. Control is all. Other drivers are brushed aside like irritating flies. Ford Ka owners will be eliminated. Cool Capricorn woman makes driving look effortless. Capricorn man drives with deadly seriousness as if to say, 'Look at me - I'm important, I’m successful'.
Vehicle: Would like to have a jet fighter with Sidewinder missiles but will accept armour-plated Mercedes.
Music: Something serious. Like silence.
Passenger information: Don't offer to share the driving, for you are mortal.
Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 19
Aquarius loves gadgets. Global Positioning Systems and mobile phones are as natural as travel-sweets. He reckons his VW Polo will be flying in a few years. But Aquarius is also a rebel: why go to work when you can slip a passport into your briefcase and accidentally end up in Barcelona? Talkative Aquarian woman will chat like a maniac so you won't notice her getting deliberately lost for an adventure.
Vehicle: Should be able to drive itself.
Music: Techno.
Passenger information: Pack a sleeping bag and toothbrush. Book a week off work before accepting a ride from an Aquarian.
Pisces
Feb 20-March 20
Dreamy Pisces doesn’t have a firm grip on reality and an inability to concentrate makes for eccentric road play. This is the sign most likely to fall asleep at a junction or lights - oblivious to the braying of horns around them - leave the handbrake off, or back into a bollard. The Piscean man is good in the passenger seat, as his sense of calm is appreciated in stressful situations.
Vehicle: Dented. Road tax likely to have run out. MOT is optional extra.
Music. Dreamy or trance, mixed in Goa or Ibiza. Or New Age relaxation/whale-song.
Passenger Information: Please wear a crash helmet.